Consider Olivia’s relationship with Aisha. Olivia met Aisha when they lived on the same floor freshman year. Even though Aisha has since become good friends with her intramural sports teammates, she and Olivia try to meet up regularly to stay updated on each other’s lives. They skip the small talk and go straight to, “How are you really doing?” Recently, Olivia decided to ask Aisha how she was doing with some anti-Muslim sentiments on campus and in the country at large. The topic has been a little awkward between them because Olivia knows that Aisha is Muslim, and Aisha knows that Olivia is Christian. When Olivia checked in with Aisha about this issue, it cleared the way for a larger conversation about religion and spirituality. It was a step forward for their relationship that they were able to talk about important points of difference that are taboo for many others at their school.
For the Christian to love non-Christians in a God-honoring way is to love them so that they will come to love God. However, this will look different in differing circumstances; some people need more truth and others more love. We need not assume that every moment should consist in trying to convert our unbelieving friends, but nor should we fail in cowardice to share the good news of Jesus Christ with them.29
Friendships of Hierarchy
In many relationships, the people involved have different roles that have unequal levels of authority and power. One person is a subordinate and the other a superior. This difference may center on position, skill, morality, or some other value that structures the relationship. Although some will equate power structures to evil, because Christians worship an all-powerful God who exerts his power in a just manner that accords with his love and goodness, we understand power as not itself evil, but in need of being properly ordered to justice.
When the more powerful person in a relationship that involves hierarchy treats the other with true justice and unconditional love, the power dynamics will not cause harm, but will instead ensure the flourishing of both people. When the less powerful person in a relationship of hierarchy treats the other with love regardless of the other’s possible mismanagement of power, the subordinate person has an opportunity to love the person of greater authority with the self-less love of a Christian friend. To be sure, there are hierarchical relationships in which friendship is not possible or at least not recommended.
Family and the community are the two most common areas in which hierarchical relationships are found. Regarding family, there are two examples worth considering. Christian marriage is the first example of a hierarchical relationship that can culminate in friendship. Augustine, in The Good of Marriage, argues that God created humanity out of Adam because of the nature of human persons as social beings. In the course of his discussion, Augustine suggests on the basis of the “first natural link” between Adam and Eve (Adam’s rib) that marriage is “a true union of friendship between the two sexes, with the one governing and the other obeying.”30 While Augustine sees a stronger ordering between husband and wife than many today would be comfortable with, he is the first ancient writer to elevate Christian marriage to the status of true friendship, which for Plato, Aristotle, and Cicero, among others, was reserved for two men of virtue.31 Augustine maintains, as does Paul, that marriage is an ordered relationship of equals. Yet men and women, while equal in God’s and each other’s eyes, are different (Eph. 5:21–33).
A second example is the parent-child relationship, which comes with the built-in expectation that the parent instructs and leads the child, while the child follows and respects the parent. The power dynamics will shift in the course of life, but each is called to love, honor, and respect the other while also helping the other to foster a deeper love for God (cf., Eph. 6:1–4; Col. 3:18–21; Ruth).
Within our communities, schools present a number of hierarchical relationships. Perhaps the most important is the teacher and student relationship. These relationships are often incidental where information, expertise, or skills are transmitted from the teacher to the student. Teachers should respect the office of “teacher,” for they will be held to a higher standard (Jms. 3:1). Students need to respect those who fulfill the office as well. The Bible implies a responsibility to live faithfully in the role to which God has assigned you, whether as a teacher or as a student (cf. 1 Cor. 10:31).
A mentor-protégé relationship can involve a parent, a neighbor, or coach. Ordered relationships usually bring different kinds of benefits to each person, such as influence to the superior and learning to the subordinate. Paul and Timothy offer a good example of this kind of relationship. Paul teaches Timothy about how to lead the church and grants him significant leadership opportunities. Yet Paul also benefits a great deal from his time with Timothy and by watching Timothy faithfully seek the Lord (cf., Rom. 16:2; 1 Thess. 3:2; Phil. 2:2; 1 Tim. 1:2–3; 2 Tim. 3:10–11). If the relationship is designed for Christian discipleship, the subordinate needs to remember that the superior too is a disciple and a human one at that.
All of these positions of authority come with the caveat that we are assuming just and moral behavior on the part of both parties. To the extent that these fundamental truths of the human condition are transgressed, the rules of hierarchy become corrupt and apply differently. Superiors in ordered relationships must take seriously their position of power in the relationship and take care not to take advantage of that power in a way that is harmful to the subordinate in the relationship. Subordinates in ordered relationships need to remember the humanity of their superiors and that a strength in one area of influence might be offset by weakness in another. Both people need to be discerning.
Friendships with the Opposite Sex
Relationships with people of the opposite sex typically have two practical types—just friends and friends with the possibility of a more romantic relationship (boyfriend or girlfriend). In “just friends” relationships, the boundary of a good friendship with the opposite sex is transgressed when there is emotional transference that leads to an expression of romantic intimacy when the terms of the relationship were never meant to be romantic. Romantic intimacy requires the express consent of both people in the relationship. The spirit is willing to follow God’s will and stay the course despite temptation, but the flesh is weak (Matt. 26:41). The flip side of the weakness of the flesh is engaging in a relationship intentionally given over to the flesh. The term “friends with benefits” is common parlance among today’s college students, but this type of relationship directly contradicts the purity and fidelity of proper Christian sexuality. Christopher Ash, in another CCI booklet entitled “Christianity & Sexuality,” has written an excellent essay on sexuality in Christian relationships.
In the case of romantic relationships, the major indicator that things are going in the wrong direction takes place when, rather than seeking the well being of the other, one seeks primarily the objects of his/her own desire—status, security, acceptance, intimacy, and sex. The goal of any dating relationship should be to develop into a good friendship, but of course along the way it takes a different form. When such a relationship culminates in marriage, you ought to enjoy your marriage, but also use it to form friendship with your spouse and with God. Dating relationships based on pleasure or utility, without a public commitment to one another before God, will malfunction and fall short of the mark.